God is so good to me.  I am up late, though, just with thoughts and some things going on.  However, after going through this amazing Beth Moore study, Breaking Free, it has been very clear to me that I have to remove the lies that jump into my thought life… about myself… circumstances, etc. with the truths from God’s word.

Every day of my life I relive middle school.  Isn’t that ridiculous?  That kids could be so mean and pick on me and I carry that with me.  In many ways, knowing that God loves me and made me like I am helps me have the confidence to live life, but it is in the toughest days of my life that I hear the cries of the past, “you’re ugly”  “you have no common sense”  “icky Vicki” … “no one likes you.”

I have to live with that.  And yet, David, Moses, and so many great people of the bible were not only sinners, like me, but also had their share of people who didn’t like them at all!

AS a result of the Bible study, I’ve gone back to putting the scriptures that I need to use to reprogram my mind with God’s word.  I was upset about some things and walked into the kitchen in a very rare case of insominia and this verse I had put by the sink jumped out at me:

“No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.  This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the Lord. Isaiah 54:15

When I feel misunderstood, not supported, made fun of and just down, I go back to this.  It is not my job to justify myself.  And honestly, if people know the things I do, then I’m not supposed to get those rewards in heaven. 

It has been so humbling for some period of time to come face to face with my own insufficiency.  Insufficient to parent, clean the house, manage the huge responsibility list at work, and just keep things running.  I literally cannot do it all without my Lord and Savior.

He is my Best Friend and wisest Counselor.  He NEVER leaves me and will never forsake me.  Even my family will misunderstand me sometimes but He never does.  I just need his help right now and every day.

To me, the sin of youth is pride.  Now, the sin of getting older seems to be the temptation to become bitter. I have to forgive and forgive but that is because I need to be forgiven myself.  Sometimes I feel like I have 1,000 wounds upon 1,000 hurts and yet, I also know that my feelings can lead me astray.  It is only by aligning my thoughts up with His promises that I can know that it is my heritage that I will be vindicated where necessary and sometimes I have to be humbled when I’m out of line.

Sometimes we must go against the prevailing winds but it is only done through HIs power and ability.  And now, it is 2 am and time for me to go to sleep.  He Who Knows My Name will guard my sleep and give wisdom and hope for tomorrow.  He accepts me, He loves me, and does not reject me.

I loves me and made me for a purpose, even if that purpose means that I do not fit in very well most of the time. 

On a great note, I get to meet some missionsaries from West Africa who’ve been on my prayer list for a long time.  They are my heroes.  While I stress about little things here, she stresses while he goes into the bush to witness to Muslim tribesman, not knowing if someone will kill him and he will return.  I’m so excited about meeting them!  Living heroes!